Saturday, January 10, 2015

Why relationships fail...

I’m sure some of my readers have been through breakups before. The heart-wrenching, heat-up, emotional episode(s) in your life. It’s a very bad feeling that you get whether you’re the one breaking up or the one broken on, you just hope that you can go back in time and stopped it so that this never happens. But why do they fail? Could you have done something to have prevented the break? Or could you have known if he/she is not the right one? This is what this blog post will be about, broken down... 

1. Communication, communication, communication

Communication is really the key. Dear girls, guys do not think like we do, and so you have to communicate your thoughts to him and not expect him to know what you’re thinking. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind, because keeping it to yourself and overthinking can never make anything work out. And dear guys, don’t overreact when we tell you what’s on our mind, just listen to us and assure us it is nothing like what we think it is. With communication, you will have a better understanding of each other. If you are unafraid to talk about anything, you’ll definitely have a strong relationship.

2. Is it love?

The foremost question of whether it is love… But then again, how would you know if it’s truly Love?

The first feeling when you get when you are attracted to a person is the butterflies in your stomach and realising you miss that person constantly. You want to stay by his/her side and go through the highs and lows together with that person. You constantly think of ways to help this person just to get close to him/her. When you look at him/her, you can’t resist to smile, or even involuntarily. When you’re talking to this person, you find that the lamest thing makes you laugh hysterically. But all this is just the feeling of attraction, not love! 

If you want to love a person, know him/her inside and out before deciding whether you love him/her. Therefore, my next point is crucial, “Friends first, then Lovers”.

3. Friends first, then lovers

I wrote a full blog post on this point, if you’re interested you can click on this link:

To summarise… Everyone’s relationship goal is to have your the other half like your best friend. You are comfortable with each other even if he/she annoys you, and you never have awkward silences. You talk about everything and anything, like I said knowing each other inside and out. This gives you a chance to know the person first before deciding to commit into a relationship and lets you avoid unwanted breakups and separation ultimately. 

4. Why did you start it in the first place?

Trust me, people start a relationship for all the wrong reasons… A few of these wrong reasons are to find a rebound, find a substitute, fulfil physical/sexual needs, to impress etc. Firstly, this is really unfair to this person you’re deciding to get together with, because you’ll never be 100% with that person. There will always be something missing because you’re not loving this person for him/her, you’re just simply being with this person to fulfil your needs, to get what you want. 

Secondly, this person will never feel like a human being, but just something to be toyed with and then abandoned. Are you really loving this person for him/her, and not with any sort of motive that ultimately gets you what only you want? 

5. Expectations v.s. Reality

I’ve been through too much of this expectations vs. reality scenarios, and it has taught me not to have any expectations. Yes, it’s always nice to daydream a bit, but always expect nothing. If you expect nothing, anything will come to you as a pleasant surprise. What’s wrong with having expectations is that you get progressively disappointed and start to lose faith in your relationship.

But then again, this should have been thought through when you get on with the relationship. You should have known better as to what could have been expected and what could not. Girls, if you want your guy to be the romantic type, be sure to know that no guys can be romantic over night or maybe forever. If you want him to be romantic, you should talk to him about it before you think of starting a relationship with him. If he doesn’t show any sort of romantic element in him, think hard and thorough whether this will be a major problem in your potential relationship. Things like that will prevent unwanted breakups and separation… 

6. Emotional and Physical needs

Some people have very high emotional and/or physical needs, it's always good to find this out before starting a relationship. If you're a more independent person who appreciates some personal space and freewill, never go through with a person of the opposite. While, if you're a very dependent person and who would like some dominance over another person, think again... Or talk to your potential partner about it because it's only courteous to do so... Don't "surprise" your partner with demands and control over him/her, you'll not only suffocate them but repel them away from you. 

Also, if you're one who needs high physical needs, don't "surprise" your partner with over physical interactions as well, introduce it slowly and make sure your partner is ok with it before getting your hands all over him/her. This, again, will only drive them away from you... 

7. Maturity

It takes two hands to clap. If one of you do not have a maturity level that can withstand difficulties in a relationship, think again. And how do you know what maturity level your potential partner has? Well, observe them... and you, being the more "mature" one hopefully, should be able to evaluate your readiness into this relationship. Would you love every moment with him/her, or would you dread every moment because you feel like you're bringing a 4-year old kid out to play?

8. Idealistic differences

Idealistic differences could mean life values, religious thoughts, habits, attitudes, lifestyle and tastes. Some of these differences could be overcome through communication, understanding and acceptance. But you should need to find out what could potentially annoy you when it comes to a long-term relationship with this person. If you cannot stand this "annoyance", what makes you think you won't be annoyed in the future? Are you confident to accept it without complain? Will you be ready to embark on this life-long journey with this "annoyance"?

9. Family backgrounds

Everyone has different family backgrounds. It's the embracing of these different backgrounds that makes a relationship work. If you have a very simple family who doesn't have a lot of drama, will you be ready to cope with dramas of your partner's family? If you come from a very humble family, while your partner is the son/daughter of a tycoon, would you not feel inferior to him/her? Remember you are not only committing to your partner, but their family as well. Are you ready to embrace this extended family as well?

10. Never dive into love

One thing that I learnt is to never dive into love. Love takes time and everyone should admit it. Rushing into love never brings you the results you want. Yes, you get the head over heels feeling and fall into this frenzy and just want to settle on it. This applies especially when you feel that you're getting older and feel like not much time is left for you. Well, I can only say that, do you want to live the rest of your life in regret? Or do you want to find the right person even if it takes a little more time? The choice is you, but for me, the latter is a more well-deserving choice, don't you think?

Keep musing,

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